The Rockefeller Without Borders charter clearly states that ‘we must keep up with everything that has anything to do with anything (and everything)’. As such, we here at ‘The Rock’ (any similarities with the Phnom Penh karaoke bar of the same name are purely coincidental) intelligently carry a smartphone and regularly inject titanium-grade bionics into our thumbs, giving us the ability to type and browse at warp speed.
But despite our high-pace race to know and grow, I, Rockefeller, am often reminded that we are already way ahead on things that others can only pretend to know. Yes, I am sharing the love right now, Cambodia. We, the Cambodia family (pause and hug the stranger next to you), are beating the big tech companies at their own game. We know more than they know! (#WKMTTK). To understand this, look no further than the mega-sized monoliths called Google and Baidu. Companies so cashed up, their CEOs’ monthly lunch budgets would provide us all with a lifetime supply of free amok.
Among their many egregious boasts has been the shameless promotion of the so-called ‘self-driving car’. Self-drive: sit back and let the vehicle drive itself, or, as Baidu says, “Unless the driver chooses to take over.” Apparently we can expect to see these cars on the streets very soon. Ah, excuse me, big tech corporation know-it-alls: those self-driving cars have been on the streets of Phnom Penh for years! We are the self-driving masters and we have no need to ever let anything such as an actual driver take over. Why should we?
anonymity because he’d like to keep his gall bladder
Let’s start with some basic questions to prove just how far ahead we are. How will one of those fancy Google self-driving-thingy-things understand a red light and stop? Exactly! It won’t. We discovered this before there even was something called ‘Google’. Way ahead of you! How will a policeman’s presence at intersections help ease congestion for those Baidu fancy-schmancy mystery machines? Yup, no way! And, my word, how will the Googley-Baidoogly offering ever completely ignore crosswalks, motorcycles, bicycles, ambulances, cart vendors, street dogs and street signs all while talking on a phone, watching television and balancing a toddler on your lap? To quote Arthur Fonzarelli: “Exactamundo!” Never gonna happen.
We already have the proven self-driving technology in Cambodia and those high-paid Silicon Valley sharks need only take one lap of Monivong at 5pm to see just how advanced our self-driving supremacy really is. And not only do we drive without having to take over the actual driving, we park without having to worry about what we actually park over. Our self-driving cars know a great space when they see one; effortlessly steering unobstructed into those pesky pedestrian pathways called sidewalks (otherwise known as ‘a waste of valuable space that we should be grateful cars are willing to take from us’).
Go on, say it, dear people of Cambodia: our cars have eyes! They are human. You Google-Baidutechy bullies have not made a human car. And until you do, your supposedly self-driving drones of the driveway will be about as useful in Cambodia as the Slanket – which, by the way, at least allows you to operate a television remote control while lounging on the sofa draped in a warm fuzzy blanket ($99 each: sofa, remote control and lounging abilities not included; to order, contact Ricardo during normal office hours).