With the National Police planning to establish its own Khmer-language newspaper, Rockefeller Without Borders would like to make a few recommendations that will surely help guarantee this paper’s success. Firstly, never report on crime. That just scares people. And besides, if a crime has already been committed, it’s old news. Nobody likes old news. The police should report on the stuff they wish was a crime. No, not the obvious things like booting farmers off their land or reckless driving, but the unreported ‘non-crimes’ that are tearing at the fabric of this great country. I am talking about road signs and people wearing gauze facemasks.
Both send such confusing – if not decidedly dangerous – mixed messages to society: stop accusing me of going the wrong way and you do know that mask you are speaking through makes me feel like a leper, right? The police should also do their own blotter. But make it more bladder than blotter. And like any full bladder, empty yourself of all the things you would like to tell residents and visitors. Don’t hold it in. And never cut it off mid-stream, that’s not healthy. A missed connections section would be great, too. You: cute, short, dark hair, wearing a T-shirt that said ‘I’m the person your mother warned you about.’ Me: slightly chubby, low-ranking policeman (but dieting and ambitious). You glanced at me helmetless from the back of your friend’s moto last Wednesday on the corner of 240 and 19 at 5pm. Coffee next week?
Surely no contemporary newspaper should be without a food column. I suggest one entitled ‘Guilt-free recipes for people who have committed crimes’ (gluten free, of course). How about this for a handy lost-and-found section: ‘Weird things found on backpackers’ feet when they foolishly walk our streets barefoot’ (win free penicillin if you submit a particularly intriguing photo). Don’t forget a section at the back that discredits those who impersonate police officials or simply give police work a bad name. I’ll start: the cop from the Village People. Real cops never form boy bands with construction workers, cowboys and sailors. The British bobby. What kind of coppers don’t pack pistols? Pacifists have no business fighting crimes. Yosemite Sam. Nice try, Sam – though you do have a moustache any cop would be proud to call their own.
And yes, we definitely need a What’s On page where you can promote your events and gigs. When I saw that cover band from police post 12 do speed-metal show tunes at Sharky’s recently. I was awestruck. Annie Get Your Gun, Oklahoma and South Pacific never sounded so good. Then there’s the contemporary art section that will inspire us all to think about the most creative uses for recycled barbed wire.
My next suggestion might be a bit radical, but I’ve been mulling it over for a long time and really feel like it would work. A taxidermy wish-list page: creatures you would like to see stuffed and mounted on the back of tuk tuks (those ads on there now are so unoriginal!). Personally I would like to see Big Foot (‘Sasquatch’ to his friends) finally retired to taxidermy. Call me callous and cruel, but how long do you let him roam around all hairy, homeless, naked and ill like that before even National Geographic gets bored of chasing the story? And besides, (alleged) clear cutting and deforestation has driven him from the jungle. He’s not suited for cities (side note: apparently BF – one more ‘F’ and he’s saved forever, people! – recently spotted at Golden Sorya Mall at 4:30am with a girl calling him ‘handsome’ and promising to love him for who he was). I sent Ricardo to investigate and he returned a week later, filthy and unshaven – but with a really great haircut and tattoo – insisting that this is how all hipsters look now.
Police poetry would almost certainly go over well. Strictly haikus. I’ll start: The criminal roams… moonlight beckons… bang. And finally, a sex column where police men and women share their most intimate… nah, scratch that one from the list.
If you would like to submit your recommendation, please send Rockefeller Without Borders $5 in a self-addressed stamped envelope before we consider your request.