Cambodia has found itself on another one of those ‘most corrupt’ lists. According to the website of TRACE, an organisation that specialises in anti-bribery compliance solutions, the newly launched TRACE Matrix is the first global business bribery risk index; a handy dandy anyone-and-their-grandmother-can-use-it corruption-busting tool. After (presumably) punching in a few numbers that looked strangely similar to Ricardo’s high score on Candy Crush, the Trace Matrix (no relation to Keanu) came up with a result that said the Kingdom is a whopping 89 out of 100. Now before you throw up your hands in a ‘we-finally-got-an-A-in-something-that-we-didn’t-have-to-pay-for’ celebration, they claim this score puts us in the category of having ‘a very high expectation of bribes’. So high, in fact, that we barely beat out our nearest competitors Nigeria, Yemen, Angola and Uzbekistan. I hate losing to Uzbekistan in anything except belbogli kurash, but we’ve got a very influential NGO working on that one, so don’t despair: we will own the Uzbeks in the kurash soon – or take the kurash judges out for a really great karaoke night to properly explain how the belbogli results should be from now on.
Rockefeller Without Borders is always highly suspicious of any index/matrix/whatever that presents itself as an all-caps acronym. TRACE. Sounds clever, right? Well, if you’re waiting for the punch line – something like Terrific Results After Cambodian Enjoyment (see preceding idea about big karaoke night) – you’ll sadly be left disappointed. These corruption busters apparently have no time for playing acronym games, unless they are guaranteed a score of 90. Instead, they stole a very fine English word to try to intimidate those whom they’ve deemed ‘risky’. Couldn’t they have used another word? If you want your global index/matrix/whatever to sound investigative and threatening, don’t use ‘trace’, a gentle word that most people associate with the Etch A Sketch. Yes, you remember that wonderful entertainment device: hours of creative enjoyment for the entire family.
Introduced to the world in 1960, not 2014! An inclusive toy; everyone can get involved. No embarrassing rankings to determine who is better than who! Simply turn the two plastic knobs and trace soft, happy lines across a screen. When you want to erase that trace, you just turn the small console upside down, shake it and start again. Now don’t get any ideas! I am not suggesting this newly introduced TRACE intruder could have similar features like, say, turn 89 upside down to 68 thereby tying Cambodia with Nauru and finally giving those sceptical soon-to-be-arriving refugees some hope that we actually do have one thing in common (besides a love of sashimi).
Instead of TRACE, this mysterious, unimaginative group could have called their product EMBRACE: an equally strong word with powerful connotations that would surely make even the most hardened slide-the-briefcase-under-the-table-now-thank-you-very-much corrupster smile and say ‘Sorry, it’s all just been a misunderstanding.’ Reform before you scorn, we always say here at Rockefeller Without Borders. Let’s EMBRACE, not TRACE. But just to be clear: anyone who messes with my personal Etch A Sketch will score a 100/100 on the risk that you will have more than likely started an international incident. Remember, we are without borders here at Rockefeller; we have the capacity to trace, I mean ‘find’ you, faster than you can say ‘belbogli kurash’!