Rockefeller Report

Now that the government has granted the opposition Cambodia National Rescue Party (CNRP) an analogue television license, we at Rockefeller Without Borders are faced with the very difficult decision about which of their long list of surely outstanding programmes we might actually watch. Promising television that party spokesman Yim Sovann says will be truly independent and professional, like the BBC and CNN, has us all excited about just how good the ticker tape at the bottom of the screen will be. We will be gripped by news updates and flashes that will make even Rupert Murdoch want to set up his own channel here in the Kingdom.

Besides, you can’t keep Fox News out of Cambodia for very long, can you? Fox wrote the book on independent programming. They will love the CNRP ticker tape: Black bear found in house with missing maid in stomach…Machetes voted weapon of choice now that hand grenades harder to get… Everyone loves North Korean girls… Vote for the guy who promises to attend your daughter’s wedding and hand out envelopes… Disgraced future son-in-law locks himself in fridge he bought for girl’s parents… Khieu Samphan bobblehead night at Phnom Penh football match… Corruption down, taking money up… Illegal clear-cut of Mondulkiri trees called a Twitter hoax by influential businessman… Mother of Oknha says rich is better than poor…

With content creation being left to impartial, independent producers, the chains are well and truly off. But what will they call this television channel? The CNRP Show? Hopefully not! They must decide on a name that will inspire people to tune in, turn on, drop out. Kick back on the sofa and be blown away by a menagerie of colours, shapes and mystical sounds.What?! Of course I’m simply referring to the exciting and highly educational wilderness show they have planned that will feature the adventures of Leopold the talking unicorn of Ratanakiri, the last green (though probably more turquoise, but don’t adjust your sets) unicorn of its kind in existence; a mystical creature that fights tree robbers, surviving only on forest mushrooms (they’re really great and will likely spin off a fantasy food and dance show featuring Leopold’s friend, Reginald the singing squirrel) and speaks 73 different languages, including the ancient dialect of Kornovthekhmer, the pre-Sanskrit root language of Khmer believed to have evolved from a tribe of Cro-Magnons who were the first to extract a potent alcohol from limestone cave walls that tasted like tequila, but gave it up when they realised booze hindered hunting and gathering, promoted gambling and was the main cause of extra-marital affairs.

CNRP station spokesman Sovann hopes their long line-up of hard-hitting shows will spark “public debate”. I, Rockefeller, have travelled the world seeking out debate. I can tell you that an impartial television programme about a green/turquoise talking unicorn will spark a lot of healthy, creative debate, but only if it’s in the Friday 9pm slot where it will compete with the government’s show about the kitten that refused to take a bribe (accusations that it looks like Hello Kitty are way out of line).

With ticker-tape scrolling across my brain, I shall go away and ponder the future of Cambodian television… Wait… This just in… Turquoise unicorn in critical condition in Ratanakiri hospital shouts: ‘Don’t eat the purple mushrooms!’ in 73 languages in a voice sounding eerily like a cross between Larry King and Sir Richard Attenborough and, rather more ominously, like a younger Bill O’Reilly… The show must go on, people! #PrayforLeopold