Maybe it’s the colder weather, or simply an attempt at making a statement against Brown Coffee’s rapid expansion. Whatever the reason, Rockefeller Without Borders has been riveted by the rise in fake coffee in the Kingdom. News reports shouted “toxic brew” when a recent batch of java junksters was caught trying to percolate their counterfeit concoctions. The Ministry of Interior’s anti-economic crime department said experts (i.e. people who never put milk or sugar in their coffee) traced the suspicious mix to – where else, of course? – a handicraft factory.
The first question we had to ask was: What actually is fake coffee? Is it like buying a copy Rolex on the street only to take it home and have it not work on you? It seemed like a good idea at the time. You pictured yourself making a grand social statement with that watch. But the caffeine-like jolt of “I might actually be wealthy” never happened. Yes, to be fair, the fake Rolex effort was probably a lot better (and safer) than buying that fake tycoon ring you pondered. Glittering gold, diamonds, polished rubies and jade must shout “real” or there is no point putting it on. That’s why they’re called tycoon rings: you can’t fake tycoon. Tycoons can sniff wannabes out in a second. When you possess that real ring you’ve got hands confidently on table, middle finger flashing, “You see this?!” Ever tried to put a fake cup of coffee on the table? What happens? Yeah, I don’t know either, but I keep thinking an Aladdin’s lamp inspired scene. Clooney appearing with his Nespresso to set you straight.
Then there is the taste of fake coffee: chemicals mixed with soybean and corn. Really? If I wanted something that tasted like model airplane glue I’d just continue eating those amazing biscuits I’m addicted to that Lekna, our tea lady, serves me in large doses. I asked her where she found such tasty treats. Her reply raised an eyebrow: “My brother’s factory.” But doesn’t his factory produce engine oil? She giggled and nudged me to eat more. When I inspected the rather ordinary-looking box, I noticed a cryptic warning about not eating near an open flame.
Is nothing sacred? I can understand the motivation to fake certain high-margin items so that we can all have at the branded stuff that tycoons supply their mistresses with. We want to know how it feels. And why not? It’s like drinking whiskey or joining the army: if you’re mature enough to understand the consequences – and the questions – then we say, “Go.” Hey, are you sure that’s a good idea? Is that really going to make you feel better? Not sure Chanel does camouflage, but whatever, you look fine.
Coffee is just so innocent and easily accessible. The five carts lined up daily on Sihanouk seem to have no problem attracting happy customers who are only too happy to shell out riel for real. Do the counterfeiters believe they can get a better margin by selling soybean and bug spray to unsuspecting innocents? This question put Ricardo, Lekna and I on a hunt for libelous lattés (the milk might be gastric relief – bismuth subsalicylate…which could actually be helpful when mixed with the stuff that exterminated the cockroach commune behind your fridge). Other than acquiring way too many “buy ten get one free cards,” our quest came up empty – though I did discover that tycoon rings work well if you want to intimidate an extra stamp on the card (hint: piano your fingers on the counter while waiting for change – on a hundred of course).
All of us who enjoy our morning blast will forever be thankful for the day caffeine entered our lives (second only in importance to Head & Shoulders’ arrival). We will not be deterred by some unethical coffee interlopers who are trying to disrupt the fun – and the dandruff control (unless their soybean roach repellent is certified organic – then we might be lenient). Go on, gather up your java-loving friends, buy some scones and head to your local handicraft factory. Ask them what they’re serving alongside silk. Yes, bong, I know, but don’t make me pull out my tycoon ring – or call Clooney – okay?