Worldly wonders

FRI 28 | Preserving the planet’s biodiversity is one of the most pressing challenges of our times. Nature, a new photography exhibition with a distinctly scientific bent, presents a series of arresting images from 34 of the world’s biodiversity hotspots, as identified by the Critical Ecosystem Partnership Fund.

WHO: Nature lovers
WHAT: Nature: 34 Wonders Of The World photography exhibition
WHERE: Institutfrancais du Cambodge, #218 Street 184
WHEN: 8am November 27 –December 31
WHY: “A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” – Albert Einstein

Guilt Pleasures: Memories

Before my younger sibling arrived in CharmingVille yesterday, she’d been up and down Downunder searching for my favourite this ‘n’ that. You know the drill: big pants, the latest Tim Tam, vegetarian egg powder. She Vibered me assiduously, with photos. Which was lucky. Because her written communications looked something like this:

Her: Cld ony grt bl n sort of biurnt red pol fpe pa chrn not huge choive in hammo*.

Me: Your texting is hilarious.

Her: Im bling.

Her: Blond.

Her: Blind.

When my venerable sister ventures into the realm of digital telephony, she turns from a reasonably erudite and comprehensible Anglophone into, say, a Greek speaker in a gaggle of Mongolians, or how we sound to a dog. This is not just despite – or perhaps because of – predictive text, spell check and auto correct. She is a little bit blonde, and totally bling, but, bless her orthopaedic Tevas, her encroaching dotage has also rendered her blind as a noonday owl.

Like sands through the hourglass, time is rushing by we doddering siblings faster than an old bat out of an assisted living facility. ‘Oh no, Ruby!’ you protest. ‘Your skin is as soft as a tiny kitten’s downy arse. Your rhomboids remain sensually firm to the touch. Verily you are Helen to everyman’s Troy.’ Why, ευχαριστω dear reader. The fabled ‘CharmingVille Moist’ may be keeping my follicles deceptively plump and hydrated despite their years, but hey ho, the signs are there even without the aid of progressive lenses and an ear trumpet.

I’m as blind as my sister is, and I’ll never be thin again. No matter how many hours strapped into my inhaler gymside with my personal fitness dictator shouting himself hoarse, I can barely see over my commodious, Eric Kayser-sponsored ‘continental shelf’. Plus all the oil’s gone out me joints – against my better judgment, yesterday I decided to self-pedicure and ended up with a pulled hamstring and a wee accident in the lady parts department. Also a large section of lounge-room tile spastically daubed the very now shade of Tiffany Dawn. Jackson Pollock would’ve been proud, were he not already dead. No doubt we’ll be comparing notes in due course.

Most worryingly I’ve started to forget words. Though Bloody Marys are my spirit animal, I only commune once a week, and then just the one stupendous one at a certain speakeasy in 240½. Plus I’m off the Zolpidems and I haven’t smoked pot or eaten a disco brownie since the last election. I’m a little bit stressed and not sleeping as well as I could, but let’s face it: I’m hardly the ruler of the Free World. The strain of choosing which Koh Rong to go to for Christmas won’t likely nudge me over the brink into drooling senility.

But, like every first-world, hypochondriac narcissist with nothing better to do when you find a lump on your thingamajig or a nasty erg on your dangleberry, I turned to Dr Google and self-administered the SAGE test. I may or may not have a brain tumour and/or whatever Lupus is, but I don’t seem to have dementia yet either. I still know my harps from my rhinos, and I’m pretty sure it’s November something. Still, my days are filled with ‘Can we go to the thing to get the thing?’ and ‘Honey, have you seen where I’ve put my… (trails off as I forget what it is I was looking for)?’ During a hot flush bonanza at work I asked my deskmate to point the ‘wind bicycle’ in my direction.

But hold the plastic box that voices come out of! Although I have not one iota of Khmer to my name despite hitching my love truck to a local life partner, I do know that Khmer takes up 2/3 more space on signs and in that folding gazette with dead bodies on the front that people read every morning. This is because Cambodians use a lot of descriptive phrases where we barang use a single word. Bank is ‘building with money in it’.

Bingo! All this time immersed Bodes-side is not enfeebling my mind at all but has osmotically transferred a wealth of linguistic knowledge: deep inside my brainbox I can speak perfect Khmer and it’s just a matter of time before I find the bloody unlocker thingy.

*I will give $10 to the first person who correctly guesses what this means and isn’t my sister

Rockefeller Report

Said to be promoting an increase in casual hook-ups
Said to be promoting an increase in casual hook-ups

A tourism working-group representative and a government lawmaker recently made statements referencing condoms and Hell as two things that should not be encouraged. The former in regards to an unauthorised safe-sex campaign during Water Festival and the latter in response to his own innocence after being accused of insulting monks and bringing beer to a pagoda. Of course when Hell didn’t immediately pull him down (thus confirming his innocence), his accusers had to eat their slanderous words. This makes complete sense. Hell is reserved for those who really deserve it. Not somebody who (allegedly) likes a cold beer in unique, peaceful surroundings from time to time. And besides, if you walk down a Phnom Penh street holding a cold beer, chances are you will run into a pagoda eventually. You might even cross paths with a monk while holding that beer. Just don’t spill any on him. Not sure if that action is Hell-worthy, but best avoided nonetheless.

Condom distribution will of course only turn Phnom Penh into Bangkok. No one wants sex tourism in Cambodia. Especially prostitutes. As our vigilante co-chair stated: ‘By law there is no sex tourism business… if they distribute condoms it means they are encouraging the sex tourism business.’ Finally someone who is willing to tell it like it is. Let’s not stop there, though. By law there is no corruption, either. If you unlawfully distribute money to, I don’t know, win contracts, clear hurdles, acquire land (purely hypothetical examples to illustrate what could happen), then you encourage corruption. No one wants that. Especially the government.

Rockefeller Without Borders spent a Water Festival afternoon strolling Phnom Penh hoping someone would hand us a cold beer and a condom so that we could properly investigate any inappropriate behaviour. We got neither – which in itself is inappropriate, but whatever. Instead, we had to buy our own beers and condoms, thank you very much (separately, though, and always the condoms before the beer, which is in keeping with our message of sober responsibility). Now before you make baseless accusations that Rockefeller Without Borders is promoting boozing and sex, regrettable words that will surely send you tumbling straight down to that fiery place reserved for those with filthy imaginations, we will have you know that latex condoms make great beer holders; far better than those thick-foam-rubber-branded-with-beer-logo-things that bartenders foolishly – and irresponsibly – refer to as condoms, thereby causing confusion and undoubtedly a few desperate attempts by drunk patrons to use that faux-condom beer holder as an actual condom. How many unwanted children are roaming the streets now because Tony used a foamy, not a johnny? Get your instructions right, all you barkeeps! And while you are at it, beware of tourists who say they don’t want a condom with their beer. The intentions of those undesirables are clear. Accept no tips from them either; instead, you can tip them this Nietzsche gem: “Retention of the sperm is the key to creativity.” Spread philosophical tourism, not sex tourism. We will sell a hell of a lot more beer – and those condoms will finally be used correctly.

Chop shop: Hangar 44

Part motorcycle showroom, part watering hole, Hangar 44 is the newest edition to Bassac Lane, the quaint, gin-soaked alley in Tonle Bassac that is quickly evolving into one of the capital’s most talked about night-time destinations. The motorcycles, all custom jobs, come from Moto Cambodge, a local outfit specializing in two-wheel customisations. It’s the kind of room a bachelor mechanic would dream of. The bar-and-bikes combination makes for a boozy garage ambience, with polished cement floors, corrugated tin walls and metal grating throughout. The cocktails come in stainless steel mugs and the ashtrays are repurposed piston heads. The club slogan is painted across the front window in uppcase letters: RIDE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT. And after a few drinks and a few minutes eyeing the black-and-chrome beauty in the showcase window, you won’t be faulted for fantasing about kicking her over and crashing wildly through the showroom glass. Hangar 44, Bassac Lane.

Advisor Best Of ’14

The cream of the capital. Four devastating bands. Eleven mind-blowing DJs. Copious street acts. Live music, painting and other creative madness. An entire street at our disposal. It can only be the Advisor’s Best Of Phnom Penh 2014 EPIC (there’s that word again) street party. BE THERE. Everyone else will, including Psychotic Reactions, Adobo Conspiracy, Vibratone, The Underdogs, Sophie Rose, Vatthina Tola, Vanntin Hoeurn and… and… and… Well, you’ll just have to come, won’t you?

WHO: YOU (& us)
WHAT: Advisor Best Of Phnom Penh 2014 EPIC street party (yes, EPIC!)
WHERE: Equinox & Duplex, Street 278 & 51
WHEN: 3pm Nov 22 – 3am Nov 23
WHY: Really? REALLY?!

Numerologist

Schooled in traditional Cambodian painting at the Royal University of Fine Arts, and later the Saint-Étienne École des Beaux-arts in Paris, Em Riem opens a new exhibition tonight. Glorious Numbers is a series of starkly confrontational portraits that conjure the horrors of S-21, the most notorious Khmer Rouge interrogation centre, in homage to its many victims. Says the artist: “I think of Man Ray: I, too, paint what I cannot photograph. And by painting these beings which were before their death photographed, I do not carry out a duty of remembrance. Much more humbly, I am then in a period for me almost always unspeakable and from time to time it comes to irrigate my creativity. I was a child then. But I did not forget. I began to paint in the memory of the victims of the Khmer Rouge about twenty years ago. There were the abstract paintings and there were portraits. In the peace of mind of my workshop, these faces do not haunt me; I just collect their suffering with love. I tell them: ‘You see good that you are not forgotten!’ I also tell them: ‘Each of you appears in the plenitude of its dignity because these numbers make in fact the glory of your humanity.’”

WHO: Em Riem
WHAT: Glorious Numbers art exhibition opening
WHERE: Tepui @ Chinese House, Sisowath Quay & Street 87
WHEN: 6:30pm November 21
WHY: Familiar horrors in a different light

Feel the noize

Heads bobbing in flawless four-four time, the quadruple drum pattern that serves as the heartbeat of rock and its many manic derivatives, a quartet of European 20-somethings stand draped over drums and guitars. From a wall of speakers comes a familiar rush: the sort of sonic crescendo designed to reduce Olympic stadiums to near-rubble. Two-thirds French, one part Italian, all-original hard rock outfit Sangvar Day –Mat (bass, French), Julien (drums, also French), Julian (guitar, Parisian) and Robin (vocals & guitar, from Verona in Italy) – have at last released their first EP, a six-track take-no-prisoners attack on the ears that includes the nothing-short-of-stomping Blood & Salt. And it is nothing short of EPIC. Joining the band for tonight’s launch is a slew of the capital’s finest music talent, including Lafidki. Do not miss.

WHO: Sangvar Day & friends
WHAT: EP launch party
WHERE: Equinox, #3a Street 278
WHEN: 9pm November 21
WHY: They’ll rock your socks off